How I am handling my father’s death — unconventional lessons
I lost my father on 21st December 2023.
It was my first time losing someone from my immediate family that I was close to. He was a great teacher who made me always strive for excellence. To be honest, our relationship was somewhat emotionally strained. But he made sure he provided all he could to see me succeed.
My father was nothing short of amazing, still. In the picture above, I’m wearing a white dress because in Nigerian tradition, you celebrate those who lived well into their older years, and impacted everyone around them. He truly deserved a ‘Celebration of Life’.
Obviously I’m new to grief, so I’m not in the best position to give advice on how best to navigate it. Still, I feel it’s necessary to talk about my experiences so far, and how I hope to heal (if that is possible).
1. Embrace the fear of dying
For over two months, I have had bad dreams on and off because the fear of dying in my sleep has raised its ugly head again.
I am a Christian, and I believe in life after death, yet I can’t help but get scared from intrusive thoughts. I pray about it, and I have come to the conclusion that the fears may not disappear. It’s my responsibility to tell them off every time they surface.
Telling them off as a Christian means reminding myself of the promise of eternity, and how fear is just a tool to try and steal my hope.
2. Accept the urge to rethink your entire life
It’s funny how life can be so fast paced, until somebody dies and we are forced to take stock of our life decisions. People say these things everyday — life is short, do meaningful stuff, feel every moment.
But you won’t resonate 100% with all that until it hits you. Like my father’s death did me.
These days, my body physically resists any work that I don’t find meaningful. In mid-January, I had a ‘brain zap’ for the first time in my life (I actually learned the word that day) because I was forcing myself to work and my mind didn’t feel like it at the time.
Still, I don’t think you need to experience a loss to do something differently. If you think your job sucks, just find a new one. Or maybe you feel like you’re not giving back to society enough, join a volunteer group or just start a donation habit.
Just start. The world will adjust accordingly.
3. Not everyone will understand how you feel 100%, and that’s ok
Granted, you may have friends or family that have grieved in the past. But not all will understand your response to death. Some friends won’t reach out as often as you expect, and maybe they will but you don’t want them to.
Whatever the case, remember that there is no conventional way to grieve, and people will respond to your grief differently. Don’t take it personal. It’s first of all your loss before theirs.
Till now, I used to think people would mostly stop crying for a loved one a few years later. Maybe the thought will make them sad, but I always felt the tears will eventually dry.
But now that I’m in that situation, I’m afraid my tears will never dry. Infact, I’m also scared that I may get tired of crying (because I also feel like I shouldn’t).
Another part of me is afraid of growing older and forgetting some core memories I had with my father. I want to preserve his memories on some sort of stone tablet. It may seem like an obsession to some, but like I said, not everyone will understand how I feel. Not all feelings can be described with words.
4. Let go of what could have been, but slowly
I mentioned at the start of this piece that my father and I had a strained emotional relationship. In my opinion, there was very little I could do to change that.
When he passed, a part of me was sad that I didn’t do more (even though in reality there was very little I could actually do). Death is very good at creating alternate realities of what could have been better, just to make you feel guilty.
I still feel guilty today. But I have accepted that it’s what death does. And with time, I will accept that there was really nothing I could have done better. Could I have had a better relationship with my father? Maybe. But it ended the way it did, and that’s a reality I will learn to live with.
Don’t force the guilt away, don’t fight it.
Nostalgia has a way of making the past look rosy and eliminating all the bad memories.
Thanks so much for reading!
If you have any unconventional but helpful thoughts about handling the loss of a loved one, please leave a comment.
Your thoughts will truly be appreciated ❤️
